I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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