if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Randomize
