Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
