8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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