I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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