Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
