"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
