he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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