No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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