so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Drake has all the answers
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
