If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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