now i know why i became what i already was.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
