She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
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i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
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I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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