i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
