apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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