The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
