the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
