What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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