i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
