Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You need a sexual gate keeper
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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