Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Randomize
