im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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