i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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