Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
