Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
