If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
