I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
