if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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