I don't usually arrange sex via text message
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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