So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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