my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
