I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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