i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
