Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
