So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
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I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize