I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
