My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
