My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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