i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
