my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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