I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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