things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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