Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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