he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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