Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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