Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
