I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey