At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
