I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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