Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
