why didn't you poke me back
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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