I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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